well, the whole week was pretty fine,
today is a saturday, august le!
yeah, my bday is coming, 2 more days!=)
blog about fri, i was excited to go sch, cause clinton said he has a game for me that includes my bday present,
he has 18 cards, each cards will represent my present, so i had to choose one card, that will say what my prezzie is, so we had trial run, blablabla.
when it came to the actuall testing, i chose the most ex present. freaking happy, but when i thought of how ex the present might be, i told clinton not to get it le, i will settle for anything, i really had feelings, not cold heart-ed. well, i skipped maths cause i wanted to go home, and feeling excited for dc gathering too.not everyone coming, but at least jiale and huimin coming! hahas, i was feeling pretty down already, but nvm. hahas
so we were suppose to meet at 7, amk hub, mummy say wanna fetch me de but suddenly papa called, so i had to make it there myself, i was thinking of taking picture with many ppl cause i took my new polaroid there.
when i arrived at amk hub, i saw jiayi jianle and irene, i was wondering where is yanjing cause i know huimin and jiale goona be late, so jiayi told me:"jiale got dragonboat, huimin sick, yanjing sick wingtong hospital, oscar and lester i dono. "
my heart sank.
then the next thing she said:"dont be sad."
then i smiled at her, i told her, no lah nvm,
then we did not know where to eat, i suggested the one next to new york new york,the hong-kong-cafe-lookalike.
when we were choosing, my tears welled in my eyes. i shout at myself,: fuck you you shoudnlt cry! u are a fucking loser if u cry! and you're not a cry baby!"
so i changed the topic to my polaroid.! i wanted to take pic le but the food came, so nvm, since so many ppl not here, i suggested we go look for wingtong in the hospital, cause i guess he might be lonely, we go pei him, then jianle asked and all, so we're going.
i went for piano, i played "his got the whole world in his hands" my fingers were shivering. cause i.. no, i told myself i cant! i must concentrate, but when i started playing, the first note was wrong, so i told the teacher, i said "sorry:"then suddenly, my first drop fell onto the piano, the teach stopped counting, but i continued playing, then my second drop.i played the second verse, i swear my fingers cant control, i just played the wrong note again, the teacher counted for me, i played, and the second last note, i played wrongly again. then i played the whole piece again, then suddenly the teacher put her hands onto my shoulder, then my third drop,i toldher:"im really sorry, "i cleaned the keys cause its wet, then i was better, she taught me a new but difficult piece, maybe that gave my mind away and did not think of anything, after that it was over, i went out, shaun led me to the toilet there, then jianle suprised me with the cake together with jiayi and irene, i wanted to cry, but i hold! when i was holding the cake, ppl walked past me, so i just smile and smile.
when i was making the wish, i told myself, : i wish that all dc members were here today,even though it was a while,
i open my eyes, jianle said: a serious wish; i smiled again.
i blew the candles.we took a polaroid shot, when i smiled at the camera, i asked myself i thought to myself, i pictured this polaroid shot to have more ppl inside,
aftermath,we went to hospital and when i was in the mrt, i was feeling a lil down, but i keep smiling to shaun, when we reach the hospital, i sms sky and clinton, i told them, :"my dears, im feel like crying now, "
sky replied:"why,what happen.?"
clinton:"what happen.?"
i replied both the same sms, sky told me:"nvm! tmr will be a better day,"
clinton scolded me, cause he said :"my bday also noone celebrate with me, no present, u should be lucky that u have 3"
i replied both:"im sorry,i cannot hold any more, "
when we reached there, i told them, i wanna go toilet, i closed the door, i sat down, and everything came out.
for that whole 3 minutes, it was painful cause i remember the times where i put down everything cause dc had a gathering, an outing, and i out them first in my heart, but when it comes to me, i see so much differenece, i wipe my tears, i looked into the mirror;"u are a fucking loser, u should not cry, 3 is good ok! u are a fucking loser if u cry again"
i washed my face and walked out, i saw shaun standing there, i was shocked, but i pretend nothing has happen and i smile at him. he told me:"i heard everything"
i told him, u hear what.?
then i walked to wt bed, we were going to cut cake , wingtong wished me happy birthday, and all, then he asked, what did shaun give you.?
i turned and i said,:sorry, i wanna go toilet"
tears drop already before i reached the toilet, it dropped onto the cake,then i brought the cake in i hurry take tissue and cover, wash my face so that noone know i cry,
i think jiayi know le, so i ha to stop this nonsense, for the next few hours it was ok, then it was time to go home, when i alight at hougang station, i wanted to hug jiayi and cry, i really wanted to, i walked to the bus interchange and took 112, i put my head on shaun shoulder, closed my eyes and those few drops would not stop flowing,
i sms mummy,i told her, :"don laugh at me, my bday celebration only 3 came, hahas, maybe u are right about the no plan thing for my bday, but, i really cannot take it, i cry inside the toilet, i cry not because little ppl come, but, i just feel like telling you, cause i feel sad,"
she replied:"i think i will know how u feel. u make every effort to make yourself free and remember other ppl bday but, its alright, just rmb that i will always be by your side, its ok."
i reached home. i looked at chiochio, i told her:"hello, i miss you" my tears drop for the final time, she wanted to shake hands with me, but for the whole night, i laid on the floor, looking at the sky, i finally fell asleep at 4.30
jiayi,irene, jianle, if you're reading this, i wanna let u guys know, thank you, thank you for everything, i really appreciate it, i do, but dont think of me as a cry baby, im really not, but thank you again.
s, thank you.
knowing that the efforts doesnt pay doesnt hurt, its the part when u finally see it and acknowledge it, it really hurts,
cheerful
sad